Feeling pretty good. I dont want more, anymore. Would have been nice maybe, but it no longer matters. What used to hurt, now makes me smile. he was kind, understanding. I was vulnerable, he could have have hurt me but he was SO solid. I hope we remain friends always but if we dont, i will always remember him as one of a handful of people who ive personally known to have beautiful souls.
Im happy. the wave has passed and things are as they should be.
The only things keeping me up now, are those law school apps and a particular $100 i shelled out for a school im basically guaranteed to be denied at. I just couldnt help but jump the gun, fulfill the urge and apply. Darn you BC Law.
Disclaimer: Spiritual/religious philosophical thought in the middle of the night. May not make sense.
Ash Wednesday. I went to SC to get some necessary docs for law school and as i was leaving i saw the university pastor/priest offering people the opportunity to get the cenizas while on their way to class. Seeing as i was there, i thought wow perfect timing. Im here, might as well. I have always been religious & spiritual but not in a bible thumping freak kind of way. Even though he is omnipresent, his presence has never felt so palpable as it has over the last few years. Which is oddly cool because i feel much less active re church involvement/participation.
Its his way of of telling me he is by my side. When i was at a low point, recently, i prayed that i feel his presence. The ache in my heart/mind/soul was so severe in that moment, i remember thinking the only thing that could bring relief to my soul was Him. To FEEL He is with me.
I tend to keep a lot inside, and do not share extremely personal things with friends nor family so when one of those particular personal matters is troubling me (in a super serious way because im good at dismissing insignificant anxieties/aches) i pray for his guidance, comfort and wisdom.
Those lows are few and far between. He has blessed me with a resilient spirit. But when they do happen & i ask for His help HE NEVER DISAPPOINTS.
Back to where i was, its not to say ive had it particularly rough these last couple of years but maybe this is part of his big life/cosmic plan for me. And these are clues for me to gather that will make sense when im finally where he has planned for me to be.
"What had he said to me that first day? Something about natural chemistry. He claimed he’d noticed it right from the start, and maybe it was an explanation, of sorts, of why we kept coming together, again and again."
- Sarah Dessen,
This Lullaby (via coffeestainedheart)
simply-quotes, via theuntetheredsoul) Mar 3
"She shuts everything down and waits for death… Hope comes instead. And not from a devastatingly-handsome superman, but from her own mind… She’s given herself permission to exist, and if you know what depression is like, you know that’s a hell of a thing."
D.C. Perr y on themes of depression in Gravity (2013)
filthyprojectors) Mar 3
"I think the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is the fact that things won’t ever be the way they once were. Even if I tried to find your heart again, it would be much different than the way I left it."
Cassie Marin (via
I suppose this answers my question on the restlessness issue. Maybe I’m just not comfortable with the way things are now. Even, if I desperately want to be.
theuntetheredsoul) Feb 27
I love the sound rain drops make when they hit your window. Especially on a long day. Its soothing and calming. Best way to fall asleep.